her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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