i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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