I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
