You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize