dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
