i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize