marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize