she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
