Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
