cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize