Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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