Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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