When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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