this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
