We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
