Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
