Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
