I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
