new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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