Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
