Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
