Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
