My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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