If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
