Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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