Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
soo... how was my night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
