just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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