So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize