Old men and throwing up are my life now.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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