I wish I could punch you in the face.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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