I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
