I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
