My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
