WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
