i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
