Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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