apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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