My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
