dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
we should paint friendship bongs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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