The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
