the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
