I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize