I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
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