Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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