Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Your dad touched me again.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I understand Curling. That high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
