legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Randomize
