smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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