i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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