I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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