Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
