I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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