My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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