R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
