Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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