Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize