The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
