Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
