I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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