checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize