WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
