i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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