Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
