i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
