I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
